I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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