There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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