listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
