What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
