I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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