Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You've changed since you got that strap on
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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