dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i think i just naturally attract stoners
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
