my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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