he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
