Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
