my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
