Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
