I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
