You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
