before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
