She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
