your parents love me but you hate me
Quick, to the slutcave!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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