You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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