Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
