Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
