You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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