I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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