you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
