Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I don't deserve a penis
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
