Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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