I think I died a long time ago.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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