apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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