I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
