Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
