What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
