If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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