I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
