She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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