youre lurking in front of me
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
