i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
