Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
