Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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