i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
