I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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