Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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