Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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