I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
