I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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