Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
