I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
