Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
