I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
