You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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