My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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