you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
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