just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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