you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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